The start of another week...

It is hard to grasp all that has transpired this past week and wonder on the eve of another week what it will hold. I find myself needing to go to bed but then wanting to stay up and forget that another week must endured. I wonder what it'll hold. The thing I tell James the most is the thing I need to believe the most myself. It is about having a plan for the day and nothing beyond that. We just don't know what is beyond today.

Tonight was a particularly tough night for us. Jane is more alert but we still don't think she is aware of what is going on. She was agitated and mad. Her son saw a part of his mom that he never hadn't seen before in her personality. The look of intense anger, trying to get out of bed with her good side and pushing James and I away with her hand. We had to step back and out of her view in order for her to calm down and go back to sleep. It kills James to want to comfort her and that he can't and that at this point that isn't what she wants. As much as I tell him that she isn't mad at him and that she just isn't aware of what he is doing, it breaks his heart to experience that interaction. I mean who wouldn't experience that as traumatic and hurtful. I just can't even begin to fathom what my husband is experiencing right now.

It just seems unfair to be married 3 1/2 months and go through what we've been up against. We aren't the only couple who has had an unexpected and rough start because of circumstances that were out of control. It just feels that way. You imagine this time of nesting and bonding because of being able to spend the smallest and the greatest of moments together. That was my fantasy. In the entire time of our marriage, we've had probably about a month total of good, restful and bonding time. We've fought like newlyweds, we've endured my own health problems and now we are the midst of a life altering circumstances with his mom. It was okay to have health problems and then adjust to marriage but then to experience this seems just all too crazy.

The crazy part is that we all were doing well. Jane especially had embraced James being married and out on his own and she had a long list of things she wanted to be about in her years to come. We had a new car picked out for her and she had plans to travel around and the like. She had even asked me the name of the website James and I had met on as she was contemplating her own search for a match. Who knows how many of her plans would have materialized but James and I found that the talk of a future for herself was an amazing and encouraging.

So, I am sad, anger, confused and frustrated at this drastic turn of events. I want to throw a pity party for myself but most of all I wonder why she didn't have more time to make her dreams become a reality. The hope it obviously she still will but that is a far in the future reality with a long road ahead for all of us.

The stark reality is that I have no idea how I would get through it without family and friends. Man, do I ever know the importance of community now more than ever. I can't even put to words what it would be like to do this in isolation. This is already a living hell as it is and to not have family and friends would be a state that was unbearable. The other thing I am learning is to ask and to say yes I do need help. James and I have had more offers from people to do anything we need done than I can even put my head around.

I still don't want to go to bed. I still don't want to start another week. Yet I've made it through another day. I praise God for that reality...even if the praise is only by faith.